How Might I invite in Discomfort?
Recently, I decided that I would be intentional to leave the house for solo breaks. Grab a treat, take a walk, go to the bookstore, run an errand, meet a friend, those kind of nourishing outings.
Well, it just didn’t happen. Sure, the kids fell sick multiple times and we got sick, too. But that’s not why it didn’t happen. As I reflect back, it was the discomfort that got in the way.
+ Discomfort with deciding what to do or where to go, as silly as that sounds. I can spiral weighing all the options - am I in the mood for THIS or THAT - and eventually throw in the towel. It’s probably a desire to maximize the “solo time” so it feels as “life-giving” as possible. Frankly, just unrealistic expectations. Sometimes there is also the physical discomfort in leaving a cozy bed/house to get into my car to go somewhere solo in the evenings. It’s a bit of a shock to the system. It feels unfamiliar (but also great!) bc I don’t do it often. I almost feel like a HS kid driving around after curfew.
+ Discomfort with the separation. Like most parents, if the kids see me leaving, they’ll ask where I’m going and if they can come, too. Of course, they are happy as clams when I’m gone, but it can feel easier to just not leave and avoid that discomfort of the long “Don’t gooo” at the doorstep (and yes, I sometimes slip out unnoticed which can work, too.)
+ Discomfort with letting go of a desire for the kids to want me in this way. I can self-sabotage because their attachment makes me feel worthy and wanted as a mother, and that intoxicating feeling (maybe my ego IDK?) blurs my ability to get honest about what I truly want and need. I have to remind myself how important it is to honor my own desires, needs, and interests outside of my identity as a parent.
I underestimated how tough it can be to move through these feelings of discomfort to get to the other side. It takes real clarity, determination, and grace to align my actions to my intentions. I hope that I welcome in more feelings of discomfort in 2023 to grow my resiliency and perhaps even experience something more spectacular on the other side.